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Thoughts To Make You Think: November, 2004 |
Thought: Raging Is A Choice
Copyright Patti Henry, 2004
Raging is a Choice
And so, conversely, is not raging. When I say this to my clients who rage, or hurricane, their first response is, “You're crazy!” Their second response is, “You don't understand - it's automatic. I'm in it before I am even aware of it.” And I say, “That's because you are in early recovery.”
Early recovery means:
#1 I recognize I have a problem
#2 I want to do something about it
#3 I'm in a therapist's office, the last place in the world I want to be, but I'm here.
To point three I say, “Yeah. You're already taking action. Good for you. You're already in the process of eradicating rage from your life. You've done step one already. That counts.”
Now let's look at step two, more advanced recovery. More advanced recovery means:
#1 I understand the difference between reacting and responding
#2 I understand it's not about me
#3 I understand that I am not a victim and that I have choice. Always.
Automatic raging is reactionary behavior. It occurs without a thought process. It's fast and furious. Responding behavior involves a thought process, which slows things down.
Reaction:
Provocation ---> Reaction
Responding:
Provocation --->Thought Process ---> Choice ---> Response
To recover from rage, you must be willing to think. Consult your brain. Slow things down and think. During this time you are not talking, you are thinking. Take as long as you need. There is no hurry. And during this time of thinking, think this thought:
“This is not about me. I'm okay. This is about him (or her). He doesn't know how to express himself well. He has a low level of emotional intelligence. This is not about me. I am not a victim - I have choice. Now, what are my choices? I could be a jerk - but I don't want to be. I could walk away - that might be good. I could take pity on this person - maybe his life is a mess and full of stress and that's why he's acting like a jerk. Maybe his kid was just diagnosed with leukemia. Maybe his wife just left him. Maybe he's acting this way because he hates himself. Maybe he's not very bright. Or awake. I don't know, but maybe I can be nice to him. It's not about me. I choose to be a positive force in this world - and here's my opportunity. Thank you, God.”
And now, you're ready - and able - to respond. |
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