Thought: Ruptures
Copyright Patti Henry, 2004

There are some behaviors in relationships that are more destructive than others. Lying is one. Cheating. Addiction. Giving your word and not keeping it. And a surprising one: inattention to ruptures. If I had to say what was the most prevalent and damaging, yet seemingly benign, behavior in a relationship, it would have to be this one.

What is a rupture? It is a breakdown in communication. A disconnect from your partner. It's where one or the other of you “pulls the plug” so to speak. I liken it to a break in the flow of electricity. If the plug from a lamp is pulled from the electrical socket, it obviously goes out. So, too, in relationships. If one or the other partner pulls out of the communication, the “energy flow” between them stops.

What do they look like? Ruptures take many forms, but usually one or the other partner gives up on the communication. They may stop talking. They may say, “Whatever,” and leave it at that. They may walk out exasperated. One partner may emotionally hurricane and shut the other down. Sometimes a partner says, “Fine!” when it's really not fine. The point is, one of the partners “checks out,” emotionally withdraws, and “goes away” (if not physically, at least emotionally).

This can seem like a small thing. No big deal. But it is as if a large splinter had been left under the skin. And it begins to fester, and hurt, and get infected if left there long enough.

Now, I'm all for cooling off periods and taking a break in the discussion to regroup and process what's just been said. Doing so can be very helpful and productive. The problem arises when there is no going back to the discussion. It's just dropped. Chances are then that one of the partners will feel discounted, ignored, invisible, unimportant, and even unloved. Therefore, it is imperative when a rupture occurs, to revisit the topic as soon as possible. Resolve it. Make sure it is resolved for your partner. If it's resolved for you and it's not resolved for him or her, it's not resolved. The longer the rupture is allowed to go on - and I've seen them go on for weeks, months, even years - the greater the damage to the relationship. I cannot emphasize this enough: attend to the rupture as quickly as possible.

In my book I say it's like your house catches on fire. Would any sane person say, “Well, I'll get to that later. I need to finish my coffee”? Of course not. And yet that is exactly what happens when we leave our partner holding a bag of unresolved pain. It doesn't get better - it gets worse! Do something!

And that something is: talk about it. Bring it up. Wrestle the subject down until you both feel good about the resolution. It could be something big like discussing having a baby or buying a house. Or it could be something that seems so small like forgetting a special day or not calling when you said you would. Whatever the issues, don't let them fester. I think it's a good rule of thumb to deal with any rupture within 24 hours - sooner if you can.

What are you avoiding with your partner that needs to be resolved? Do it NOW. I promise you, it will make your relationship better.