Copyright Patti Henry, 2004

Sometimes I notice that couples attack the wrong problem. With one couple I worked with, the wife kept pick, pick, picking at her husband. She was so angry at him! He didn’t do this right or that or that either. They were little nit-picky things. He took a nap when he was tired, he complained about her going to the movie with a girlfriend, he never filled up her car with gas, he left all the grocery shopping to her, etc. Lots and lots of little gripes. Now, this was a woman who was a stay-at-home mom whose kids were all in school – the last one just off to kindergarten the year before.  

I asked her what she did with all her time. Well, she volunteered a lot: room mom, girl scout leader, cub scout leader, choir mom. She cleaned the house a lot, did laundry, taxi-cabbed the kids around, went to all their events, was super-mom.

Now the husband in this couple, poor fellow, was trying his best. Actually, he was jumping through hoops as fast as he could, correcting one behavior just in time for another complaint to arise. He’d attend to that – then three more gripes came to light.  

According to the wife, it was her husband’s inability to “meet her needs” that made their marriage miserable. From the husband’s point of view, he felt crushed under the onslaught of criticism. And from my point of view (having the advantage of being able to look in from the outside)? The couple was attacking the wrong problem. It had nothing to do with the husband’s behavior (though he did have some boundary issues to work on). Actually, it had nothing to do with the husband . It had everything to do with the wife . I suggested to her that, for one week, every time she focused on her husband’s inadequacies, I wanted her to think, instead, about what would be fun for her to do. Her conclusion after a week: “It really has nothing to do with what he is or isn’t doing. It has to do with what I am or am not doing. I need a life more than my kids.” Eventually she decided to go back to school and became an EMT. She loves it – and her husband again.  

So, be careful. Our partners cannot meet all of our needs. Make sure you have substance to your life that actualizes your talents and interests. That is, what sounds fun and interesting to you?