De-Stress the Holidays
Copyright Patti Henry, 2005

December is a stressful time for many. For some, there are gifts to be bought and wrapped, cards to be sent, an increase in the kids’ activities, parties to give and attend, cookies to bake, the tree to put up, and on and on and on. For others, there’s a feeling of intense loneliness that is similar to peering in through the outside window, never having been invited to the party. Too much to do in too little time, or, too little to do in too much time. The first leads to overwhelm; the second, to depression. Both suck the joy out of the season.

I once heard in a 12-step meeting that recovery was not about 1 or 10, but instead 2-9. That is, true peace and joy do not come from all or nothing, black or white, but instead, from being in the gray. Neither extreme is healthy; the middle is what you need to shoot for.

So, if you’re doing too much, that means you have to cut back. Conversely, if you’re doing too little, that means you have to add on. Simple concept, hard to do. Let’s look at the three basic steps to recovery.

First, you must learn to say no to things that are bad for you. These include, but are not limited to: physical and emotional abuse, isolation, addiction, neglect, lying, cheating, stealing, being out of personal integrity, overspending, under-spending, being paralyzed by fear, over-committing, telling yourself limiting statements, drugs, drinking and driving, sexual anorexia, pornography, overeating, under-eating, denial, procrastination, empty excuses, empty relationships, toxic people. You learn to say no to these things when you get, deep in your soul, that you have worth. I believe every human being is BORN WITH inherent worth and dignity. These things do not go away – ever. You are not an exception to this. You have value, purpose, and are a sacred, special being. You might have screwed up, but you are not a screw-up. When you start to believe that, then you can start to say no to things that are bad for you.

Second, you must learn to say yes to things that are good for you. These include but are not limited to: healthy, supportive relationships, adventures, taking risks to grow, learning, asking questions, sobriety, new experiences, feeling the fear but doing it anyway, dinner parties, financial responsibility, honesty to yourself and others, hugs, dealing with problems right away, volunteering and giving back, fun, spending time in nature, meditation and/or prayer, taking care of your body, taking care of your soul, therapy, being fully present, having a voice, having boundaries, getting rid of clutter, doing a job you enjoy, holiday spirit, learning to give, learning to receive. You must do step one as you are doing step two. Ask yourself if what you are about to do is good for you. If it is, say yes to it; if not, of course, say no to it.

I heard a wonderful story last week from a member of our church. She says she had been fairly participatory in high school, but when she went to college, she didn’t feel like she fit in. There was lots of drinking and drugging and sexing – not her style. So, she began to isolate, withdraw. Yes, she went to classes, but socially she was quite alone and shut down. Even though she’s a beautiful woman now and was a beautiful coed then, no one asked her out. She became more and more depressed.

Then, at the end of her sophomore year, she made a deal with herself. She acknowledged she wasn’t happy and things were not working out the way she wanted. So, here’s the deal: she said to herself that she would open her energy, even though it was scary, and say yes to whatever came her way. Her litmus test was: if it’s positive and won’t kill me, I’ll do it.

Well, the first offer that came her way was being asked to go with a group rock repelling in the nearby mountains. She normally would have politely declined, but instead, she said to herself, “I HAVE to do this – say YES,” and she did. Though the rock repelling experience was not one she ever wants to repeat, she met some new people there. One asked her to join their running team – she said yes. Which led to her being asked to apply for a restaurant job – she said yes. Which led her to being asked to try out for a musical – she said yes. Etcetera. The point is, once she made a conscious decision to open herself up to saying yes to things that were good for her, her life got better. Yours can, too.

Third, you must, eventually, learn to say no to things that are good for you. Once you practice steps one and two consistently, you will be amazed how many wonderful offers come your way. So many, in fact, that they can take over your life and rob your joy. A slice of chocolate cake is yummy, but if you had to eat the whole cake, it would soon become a misery. So, step three is about learning to be selective. It’s about learning to say, “Oh, I’d love to, but I really have to say no. I’m booked up. But, thank you for asking.” This is hard to do when it’s something that sounds fun or something you really want to do, but it is necessary in order to keep balance and joy in your life. Choose the things you most want to do, and say no to the rest. Especially during the holidays!