Thought: Thanksgiving with My Dysfunctional Family
Copyright Patti Henry, 2005

Seventeen years ago when my son was born, one of my therapist friends gave him a tiny t-shirt that read: Are you sure these are my relatives?

If you come from a dysfunctional family system – and it seems all but 3 people in America do – spending the holidays with our relatives sure can make us wonder if we weren’t switched at birth in the hospital, and if these really ARE our relatives!

The most embarrassing relative in my family growing up was my father. Because he was an alcoholic, his behavior was erratic and unpredictable. The only predictable part was that he would be offensive to someone at some time throughout the day. You never knew when or what inappropriate words would pop out of his mouth, but you knew they would. Then someone’s feelings would get hurt, an argument would ensue, and inevitably someone would end up yelling and walking out of the room. After that, we’d all choke down our dinner, say how wonderful it was, and then pile into the car with my dad drunk and driving. The ride home would be one of lots of swerving and lots of icy silence. Happy Holidays.

The point is, the holidays with my dad were not fun. They were painful, embarrassing, and filled me with shame. So, consider what your behavior is during the holidays in front of your children. Don’t think they aren’t listening, don’t think they aren’t watching you, don’t think they can’t feel the tension in the air. Don’t think they aren’t scared getting in the car with you after you’ve had a few beers.

Remember they are children. Precious, sacred children who deserve happy holiday memories. If your holidays growing up were filled with dysfunction, you have an opportunity to stop the pattern: the buck can stop with you. We are the generation who can say, “I will not pass on this dysfunction to my children.”

So, what didn’t work for you as a child during the holidays? Identify what you want to change. And, of course, what did work? What do you want to keep? Children love to help, to be included, to be noticed. They love surprises – if they are good ones – and to be part of creating surprises. However, all of this doesn’t matter if they don’t feel loved and emotionally safe.

This comes from your being sober. It comes from your being emotionally available: both to your children and your partner. It comes from your being happy and at peace with yourself.

And that comes from growing up. Growing into your adult skin. Taking responsibility for everything you are thinking, feeling, and doing. It means not blaming anyone for what is coming out of your mouth or what your behavior is. It’s learning not to be reactionary when people try to “push your buttons.” The bottom line is this: do your behaviors and words help your partner and your children feel loved and emotionally safe, or not?

Your partner and your children are your barometers. They tell you how you are doing as far as adult behavior. If they are acting out and are “off center,” you probably are, too. Listen and watch them. Don’t worry about Uncle Lou or Aunt Mary or your father or little sister this holiday season. Worry about your kids and your partner. Are you stopping the dysfunctional holiday pattern for them? Are you part of the problem or part of the solution?

And what do you do about “problem relatives”? Talk to your children in advance about them. Give them some coping tools. Reassure your children that they are safe and that you will keep them safe. Help them by validating what they have witnessed in the past. For example, “Remember last year when Uncle Ray was so loud and kind of crazy? It’s because he drinks too much alcohol. That may happen again. It’s kind of a sickness he has that he really can’t control. We’ll try to be nice to him – because he needs extra love – but it’s okay if you don’t want to be around him.” Or, “If anyone says anything mean to you, you come and tell me and I will talk to him or her about it.” Let your children know that you are the adult and will take care of them.

And then be the adult. Hold onto yourself – don’t let people get your goat. You can do this by practicing saying to yourself, “This is not about me. This is about THEM and their insecurity and wounded-ness. I am safe.” Remember to slow things down and think before you open your mouth. Stay sober. Remember you are loved and lovable. You are enough. You have the ability to make the holi-days into “holy days,” full of fun memories and traditions.

Remember, too, your gratitude. This Thanksgiving, take time to say thank you. Thank you for the amazing person you are, and for the amazing journey you are on. It, and you, are sacred.

Happy Thanksgiving,

Patti