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Thoughts to Make You Think: September, 2005 |
Trauma
Copyright: Patti Henry, 2005
I've been thinking about Hurricane Katrina and remembering the hurricanes and tropical storms we have lived through in Houston. Our house has flooded three times. We have lost all of our high school and college yearbooks, baby pictures of our children, and many, many other sacred treasures. I remember the feeling of numbness, disbelief, overwhelm, and sadness. As a matter of fact, I remember every time it rains at nighttime. For whatever reason, all three of our floods have happened in the middle of the night. So when it rains hard - and it's nighttime - I don't sleep. My body remembers and the overwhelm and anxiety are immediately there.
Trauma is something that doesn't go away for a long, long time - sometimes never if the trauma is big enough or recurring.
Do you know the traumas in your own life that get triggered? Do you know your partner's? I am often amazed when I am working with couples how very little some of them know about their partner's history. “He never really talks about his childhood,” or “I know her father died when she was young, but that's about it.”
You need to know.
Because in a marriage, if we don't know the traumas our partner carries, we can trigger those unwittingly. We can cause them to feel the pain all over again.
Few people make it through childhood without at least some trauma. Think about it. Anyone who was raised with active alcoholism and/or drug addiction has it. It's estimated that more than 10 million people in this country suffer from either alcoholism or drug addiction - and have children. Anyone who was sexually abused has it. That's 1 in 4 females and 1 in 6 males. That's a lot of people. Add to that all the children who were raised with raging parents, and those where perfection was the measure of their every move. And all the children raised in poverty. Not to mention all the children who had a parent leave them either through workaholism, family abandonment, or death. Divorce can also be a trauma for children - some divorces are handled well; others are brutal and the scars are deep. Think of the thousands who have lived through the trauma of war - and the families who lived through the funerals of those who didn't come home. Then there are natural disasters: floods, fires, hurricanes, mudslides, tornadoes - where people have lost everything in an instant. Car crashes, plane crashes, murders, suicides, sexual assaults, cancers, severe mental illnesses - people are touched by them all.
And carry the traumas with them.
So, what does this have to do with relationships? Just this: when your partner has a HUGE reaction to something that seems relatively small, you have tapped into a trauma that they are carrying. If you know this - and understand where the trauma came from - you don't have to take it personally. You don't have to be angered or hurt by it. You can instead say to yourself, “This is not about me. This is bigger than me. This is a wound my partner carries.” Then you can help him/her. Address the trauma. Heal the trauma.
For example, so many traumas bring up fears of abandonment and lack of safety. Some bring fears of suffocation. Some traumas bring up the message, “Whatever you do, it's not good enough.” Others say, “You are not important enough for my time.” Still others, “You are alone.” These messages, coming from a spouse in even the most indirect ways, can throw a person into the trauma they carry. This is when they have the HUGE reaction. This is when you can ease the pain by reassuring them,
* I love you and will not leave you. I am here for the long haul. You are safe with me.
* I am not trying to control you. I do not want to control you. I want you to make your own decisions and I will support you in those. You make good decisions.
* I think you must be hearing that I don't think you're good enough. That is not true. I think you are amazing. I think you are more than good enough. I am so sorry your dad gave you that message - he lied to you. You are wonderful.
* I hear you need more time together. Let's do that. I'm canceling my evening so we can spend the time together. You are very important to me and I want you to know that at your deepest level.
* You're not alone with this problem. I can help you. We're a team. You don't have to handle stuff by yourself like when you were little. I am here for you. I love you.
Reassurance that the trauma is not happening again goes a long way.
Respectfully,
Patti
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