Copyright Patti Henry, 2005

Choices

There are two ways to go through life: ruled by fear - or not.

Let us think of life as a series of choices. Many times a day we come to a choice intersection where we have to decide whether to turn left or right. Usually these choices involve going forward emotionally or staying stuck in the same old, same old. Another way to say this is one direction leads to a growth choice and the other to a more fearful, protective choice.

Let's look at this in terms of your relationship. Are you making growth choices or fearful, protective ones? Growth choices, at all the decision intersections, 100 times a day, will lead to a happier, more loving, more fulfilling relationship. Fearful, protective choices will, at best, keep your relationship stuck exactly where it's been, and with time, become a destructive force.

So why is it we don't choose the growth choice every time? Why do we so often make the fear choice? I mean, it seems like a no-brainer: if I choose this, my relationship gets better and gets more and more life-affirming; if I choose that, we stay stuck in the muck.

Why on earth do we ever choose the muck? There are at least ten thousand reasons, and they all boil down to one word: fear. It's scary to make the growth choice! Making the growth choice involves a level of emotional exposure, risk, and vulnerability. Most people cringe at that thought and run right back into the pattern that, even though it isn't good, it is at least known.

The known, the familiar, feels safe. Even if it is horribly painful as in physically and/or emotionally abusive relationships, it still has an element of “safe” because it is predictable and we know how to live through it. Which brings me to: what are we all so afraid of?

I've decided it must be death. Because surely it could not be life. If we knew we could survive - live through - fully embracing life and love, I think we'd do it. But, we each have a little panic button inside of us that warns, “Danger! Danger!” and we retreat to “safety,” thinking we might surely die if we loved and lived that much.

Here is the test, therefore, that I use at my own “choice intersections”:

If I take the growth choice, will it kill me? Will it physically kill me? Will it psychically kill me?

That is, if I embrace life more, risk, feel, love deeper, trust myself more, give - will it kill me? If I feel the fear and do it anyway, will it kill me? Surprisingly, I've found out it won't.

In fact, the growth choices bring freedom, fun, adventure, and a fuller life. The fear choices are as weights shackled to each of our ankles keeping us plodding clumsily when our spirits so desperately want to fly.

So what do growth choices look like in a primary relationship? I don't know specifically what they look like in your primary relationship, but in general, it is acting and speaking in a kind way that says, “I love and value myself, and I love and value you.” Maybe it's calling your wife to say you're thinking of her. Maybe it's smiling at your husband. It's definitely getting rid of the edge in your voice. It's definitely being able to apologize when you've hurt the other's feelings.

And, it's definitely extending yourself out of your comfort zone: where it's scary. No, there is no way to free yourself from fear -- growth is scary; there is only a way to stop being ruled by it: make the growth choice, feel the fear, and do it anyway. It's like the Nike slogan that says, “Just do it.” Don't think too long about it, don't get stuck in the fearful part of it, just do it.