Copyright Patti Henry, 2005

Gift Giving

It's May which means Mother's Day. Since this column is about healing marriages, let me begin by saying your wife is more important than your mother. I am all for loving your mother - I adore mine - but, your primary relationship needs to be with your partner, not your parent. So, celebrate your mother on Mother's Day and let her know how wonderful she is, but, if you have children (or step-children), focus in on your wife.

What does that mean? I hear from clients, “But she's not my mother!” No, she's not. But she is the mother of your children and/or step-children. That makes her very, very special and deserving of celebration.

Celebration needs to happen on two levels: first, by your children; and second, by you.

Your Children

It is your job, as the adult male in the family, to teach your children how to honor and celebrate their mother. They don't know how - they're looking to you for direction. Now, if nobody taught you how, how on earth can you give them direction? So, first thing, be gentle with yourself. If nobody taught you, it's not your fault you don't know. You probably don't know how to speak Chinese either - because nobody taught you that. That's okay. If you don't know what to teach your children, just read on. Here are some simple suggestions to think about to help you help your children.

First, take your children to buy a Mother's Day present for their mom. Help them pick out a card she would like as well. If you don't have money to buy stuff, make it. It's good to do this a week or so in advance so the kids can experience the joy of anticipation and learn the joy of giving.

Second, talk to them about all the things their mom does for them. Help them to understand what the holiday is all about: noticing their mom and letting her know she is loved. This teaches them to be aware of others and to express appreciation.

Finally, plan a surprise with them. Kids love doing surprises and moms love getting them. This can teach several good lessons: how to bond with you more, how to work as a team, and how to put their creative ideas into action. There are LOTS of ways to do this. Take the time to brainstorm with your kids - they're full of good ideas. Here are some “seed” ideas to get you started.

1. Buy some flowers and plant them for her. Doing the labor is a tremendous gift.
2. Help the kids make her breakfast in bed.
3. Take them to a photographer and develop an annual tradition of giving updated portraits.
4. Paint her a picture, write her a poem, story, etc.
5. Hide her gifts and give her a string of clues she must follow to find them.
6. Make her a video of the kids saying why they love her.

You get the idea.

Celebration by You

Next, what about you and Mother's Day? I find a lot of men have no idea what to get their wives or how to celebrate them on special days. They are clueless, and agonize over having to face the holiday. If you are in this category, I suspect you have a history of giving gifts somewhere along the line - from a pure heart - and then being told, by someone, you did it wrong. This, naturally, makes a person gun-shy.

However, this cycle can be broken. How? By paying attention. One of my clients put it so well: “I've always been lousy at gift giving and have dreaded every special day - like her birthday, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day, our anniversary - for years. I just wanted to skip those days. I never knew what to get. But, I figured out that's because I never really paid attention. Good gift giving is only listening. That's it. The whole thing. Now I carry a card in my wallet and when she tells me she likes something, I privately write it down. When she points out something she wants, I write that down, too. So now, whenever a special day comes up, I have a whole list of things I can get her that I know she'll like. No more agonizing or racking my brain. It's so simple - I can't believe it took me so long to figure it out!”

It is simple. You can do it. Noticing someone and then celebrating them is extremely healing - even in the most damaged relationships.

And, of course, on Father's Day I want her to do the same for you.