Copyright Patti Henry, 2005

Why Do I Keep Dating Jerks?

Are you on your third, fourth, fifth emotionally unavailable man/woman? Are you beginning to notice a pattern?

I believe that we attract people at the same level of healthiness as ourselves. Another way of saying this is, we attract people at the same level of being able to tolerate connection. Let's say everyone has a connection comfort level (CCL) and that this CCL can be measured on a scale from 1 to 100. This is a relative scale, of course. That is, the higher your CCL number, the more connection you can tolerate. For example, a person with a CCL of 42 can tolerate more connection than someone with a CCL of 20. Likewise, they can't tolerate as much connection as an 85.

I contend that we date people who have about the same CCL number as we do.
That is, a 42 is not going to date a 15 because it would seem empty and lonely to them. Yet, they wouldn't date a 73 either because that would feel way to scary, intrusive, and maybe even suffocating. So, 30's tend to date 30's, 60's tend to date 60's and 80's date 80's.

What do I mean by connection? There are lots of different ways to connect with someone: through eye contact, through touch, through words, through sharing common interests and passions. And, there are lots of different areas for connection: physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual, as well as different levels of it - surface, medium, deep, very deep. So, the higher a person's CCL number, the more ways they can connect with others and at deeper levels. That is, the more they can be vulnerable.

So, back to this is your third, fourth, fifth emotionally unavailable man or woman. What does that say about you? Mostly it just says you have some personal work to do. The healthier you can get, the healthier a partner you will attract. That is, the more you can raise your CCL number, the more you will attract people with higher CCL numbers.

A simple way to start doing some personal work and growth in this area, and consequently increase the amount and level of connections you can tolerate, is to begin to say no to things that are not good for you. That means no to things that are not good for your body like cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, too much food, casual sex, battering, etc., as well as things that are not good for your soul like verbal abuse, being ignored or neglected, being demeaned, being lied to, being disrespected, being too busy, raging at someone, being hateful, etc.

It also means practicing saying no to things you do not want to do. The times when you feel you “should” do something, but you really don't want to, are good times to practice being true to yourself and graciously bowing out. Learning to say, “I really wish I could, but I'm overcommitted right now, so I'll have to say no,” is liberating - and a way to increase your CCL number. For you see, the more you can be honest and authentic, the healthier you are getting.

So this month, I encourage you to start small, but practice saying no. Don't start with huge, hard things that seem impossible to say no to. Start small, stretch a little. Remember the old story of the starfish that I tell in my book:

A child was walking the shore early in the morning after the tide had gone out. The beach was scattered with hundreds of starfish. The little boy was picking them up and throwing them back into the ocean. A stranger came along amazed by this sight and asked the child what he was doing. The boy explained that if a starfish was not put back into the ocean that it would die. Then the stranger exclaimed, “But surely you can't possible believe that your throwing a few starfish back into the ocean even matters. Surely you must know there are hundreds - maybe thousands of starfish on hundreds of beaches that die everyday.” To that the child picked up a starfish and sent it flying back into the ocean. He looked up at the stranger and said, “It mattered to that one.”

And, I say that to you: every time you say no to something bad for you or no to something that you really don't want to do, it matters. It counts. Every time.