Copyright Patti Henry, 2005
March: Honesty: How Important Is It Anyway?

Honesty: How Important Is It Anyway?

I don't think a person becomes a grown-up until he/she learns to tell the truth. Not just when it's convenient. Not just when it's easy. But when it's hard.

Hard is when you know your partner won't be happy with the news. Hard is when you know it will probably cause conflict. Hard is when you are embarrassed about your own choices that brought you to such a bad place. Hard is when you have shame about the situation.

A real sense of freedom and power comes when you learn to own up to it - whatever it is - anyway.

I think we all - ALL - begin our journeys into adulthood not very honest. We have to outgrow our adolescence of magical thinking (it'll never happen to me) and egocentricity (the world revolves around me). Slowly, over a few years, we begin to see the world more accurately. We begin to realize we are not invincible with all the answers, but that we, too, can make mistakes - even major ones, even stupid ones. We begin to realize the "rules" of life apply to us whether we like it or not. And, those of us who are lucky, begin to learn that not telling the truth - the whole truth - leads to unpleasant consequences, and that telling the truth - the whole truth - leads to self-respect, people's trust, and a simpler life.

So what is telling the truth? My measure is this: any attempt - by any means - to deceive a person into thinking or believing something that is not accurate, is not telling the truth. Is deceitful. Is dishonest. Is lying. This can be done through omission (leaving out details, not telling what happened at all) or directly (saying things that you may wish are true, but aren't). Another measure is this: if the person were to hear the story from someone else, would they feel lied to from the information (or lack of information) you gave them?

In AA and other Twelve Step Programs, honesty is described as an onion with many layers. Each layer that is peeled off reveals deeper levels of honesty and truth. Again, this is a developmental framework where, as we grow and mature, we are able to be more and more honest with ourselves and others. Maya Angelou says, "When I knew better, I did better." So it is with honesty: the more layers of the onion we peel back, the better we can do in life.

So, be gentle with yourself and your partner in this growth process, but - keep peeling! For remember, the freedom and power in life lies in being a full grown grown-up: no longer afraid to tell the truth; able to stand tall even in the face of saying the hard stuff.