Yet we cannot really give those things to others if we don't give them to ourselves. First we must learn to be kind, gentle, and loving to ourselves. We must remember that perfection is not the goal. When perfection is the yardstick used to measure whether or not a person is loveable or acceptable or okay or good enough or whatever, it's a set up. It's like saying, "If you cannot hold your breath for 15 minutes, you're just not okay. You're less than," when the truth of the matter is no human being can hold their breath for 15 minutes. My friend, Newton Hightower, author of "AngerBusting 101," says, "The only thing you need to know about God is: you ain't Him!" (or Her, I would add) The point is, we must remember this: we are not God. We must stop measuring our worth as if we were. No one is perfect -- and you don't have to be to have value. You must remember, too, that your partner is not God. He or she is just a fragile human being -- like you, like me. He or she is just trying to make their way in the world the best they know how. Wanting to feel loved and safe. They -- and you -- will mess up, say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, forget, and get it all mixed up. Grace says, "That's okay. You're human. You have value and worth anyway. I love you in spite of. I love you -- period." Grace does not say, "You're so stupid! I can't believe you did that! What were you thinking?! What an idiot!" And yet, how many times do we say these limiting, self-deprecating, put-downs to ourselves? We must say kind words to ourselves. Always. Even when we've really messed up. When I mess up I thank God. I say, "Thank you, God, for the reminder that I am human and that I am not God. That takes a burden off of me." Be gentle with yourself. Another way to be gentle with yourself is to remember what is said in AA: Don't "should" on yourself. "Oh, I should have known better," "I should have done it this way," or "I should have thought of that," is just another form of verbal bludgeoning. It's harsh and unkind. A put-down. Don't "should" on yourself or "should" on others. In fact, "should" is a good word to work on eliminating from your vocabulary. Still clients often insist, "Oh, no, I have to be hard on myself! That's how I improve!" I'm not suggesting you let everything slide and say, "Oh, well!" I'm suggesting that in an effort toward improving yourself, your relationship, and your life, love and gentleness with your soul can go a long way. Introspection and holding yourself to high standards is still necessary, but having grace for yourself means you don't have to meet a certain level before you have worth. You already have it. With grace, you have worth and value and are loved IN YOUR PROCESS, not just if and when you reach a certain goal. All of this translates into learning to love. Learning to give yourself a break, be kind to yourself, and to give yourself grace is the fastest, sure-fire way to learn to give that to others. It's the fastest way to make the world a little less harsh, a little more safe. It's the fastest way to make your relationship into the sanctuary it was meant to be. May gentleness be your guide, Patti |
