Copyright 2006 Patti Henry

I worked with a couple yesterday, as I do many days, who had difficulty letting each other complete one sentence without interruption.  Each would get about five words into their point when the other would start in with their counterpoint.  When I asked each of them to repeat back to their partner what they had heard, they were unable to do that.  Why?  Because they hadn’t HEARD anything.  They were both talking and talking away, desperately wanting to be understood by the other. The problem was, of course, no listening was going on.

There are three parts to a complete communication: talking, listening, and being heard.

The first, talking, seems easy enough to understand.   You must say out loud what is in your head for anyone to know what you are thinking.  And yet, I find many couples where one or the other of them doesn’t do this.  Here’s the female version: Well, if you don’t know why I’m upset, I’m sure not going to tell you!   And the male version: silence.   So, if you go to a marriage counselor and say that your problem is communication, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand why.  If one of you isn’t telling and the other isn’t talking, the chances of communicating with each other seem pretty remote.

So what keeps people from talking?  Lack of emotional safety.  This means interrupting when the other is speaking, not making room for the other to speak (talking too much), yelling at the other and scaring them into silence, criticism, mocking, sighing and rolling your eyes, making a big deal out of a small deal, twisting the other’s words, etc.  Sometimes, too, the lack of emotional safety in sharing comes from past experiences in our family of origin. 

Whatever the cause, the solution is to work hard to create that emotional safety for your partner. That is, work hard to create a loving space that says, “I want to hear what you have to say.  I value what is on your mind.” Do the opposite of all the above.

And then, talk.  I have met very few mind readers in my lifetime.  Chances are your partner isn’t one of them.   If you want open, easy communication, you must get committed to saying what is in your head out loud – even if it’s uncomfortable.  You must say it out loud even if you think your partner already knows what you’re thinking – he/she doesn’t.  You must say it out loud even if you think your partner should know what you’re thinking because you already told him/her – he/she doesn’t.  You must use words if you want communication to happen.

To reiterate: First and foremost concentrate on making the communication space emotionally safe for your partner.   Second, talk out loud to him/her.   Next, you must learn to listen differently.

Listening, the second vital part needed for communication to occur, is the act of being “present” while another is speaking.   Not thinking about what you want to say.   Not thinking about what the other person is saying wrong.  Not thinking your thoughts at all, really, but instead, soaking in your partner’s thoughts.   Remember, he or she is trying to get some important message across to you.  Your partner wants you to understand something from his or her point of view – not yours. Listening, therefore, means putting yourself on hold, and trying to understand a different viewpoint than yours.  I believe we all carry a piece of the truth.   Those who learn to listen well are able to gather many pieces of the truth this way.  A wise friend told me: there are those who listen and those who are merely waiting to speak.  I encourage you to practice the former.  You’ll be amazed at what your partner will share if you make the space emotionally safe and you are truly “present.”

Finally, the third part of a complete communication, and the most important perhaps, is making sure your partner feels heard.   The goal here is to give your partner a sense of relief.  I believe as human beings we don’t seem to have a need for agreement, but we do seem to have a need to be understood or heard.  As hard as it is to believe, this sense of relief and being heard can be given simply by repeating back to your partner the exact words they just said to you.   Some people refer to this technique as “mirroring.”  That is, you need to reflect back to your partner – like a mirror – the words you heard him/her say.  Try to use the exact words your partner just used and not an interpretation of them.

For example, if your partner says, “When you drive fast it scares me,”  “So you hate my driving,” would not be an accurate reflection and your partner would not get that sense of relief that comes from feeling heard.  Try not to interpret, just mirror/reflect back.   “So what you’re saying is that when I drive fast it scares you.  Is that right?” Now your partner will get that sense of relief. 

To go a little deeper with the communication, this is a good place to be sincerely curious, “Why?”  After a moment or two, if you have created a safe enough space for communication, you might hear, “Well, I guess it’s because my dad always drove fast when he was drunk and it felt so crazy and out of control.   I still get those feelings when you drive fast.”  Ah.   Now things have become clearer.   Now, perhaps, it can make sense to you why your driving scares your partner.  When you understand that, it’s easier to get to compassion and a willingness to change a behavior.

Finally, the last part of making sure your partner feels heard is validation.  Validation gives the message, “What you are saying makes sense to me.”   We don’t have to agree with what our partner is saying, just make sense out of it.   We all need to know we are not crazy and that our train of thought makes sense.  So, the best way to help our partner feel heard is to not only mirror, but to validate as well.

A quick recap for great communication:

      * make your communication space emotionally safe

      * say out loud the thoughts that are in your head: talk

      * be “present” when listening

      * mirror/reflect back what you heard your partner say

      * validate by saying, “That makes sense.”

These five simple reminders can greatly improve your chances of being able to communicate with the one you most need to: your partner.

Best of luck to you in the process,

Patti