Copyright 2006 Patti Henry Having just finished a powerful session with a couple who have been married 27 years, I am more and more convinced of the healing power of touch. The husband was genuinely seeking an answer to his long standing dilemma: When you get so upset and go on and on and on, I honestly don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know what to say. When I try to make it better, I make it worse. Tell me what would make it better! The wife said: All I can tell you is that what is going through my head the whole time is: hold me. Please, please hold me. Later in the session, the wife began to cry – really, to sob. She was recounting to her husband the pain she had experienced from her very critical and abusive father and how the pattern had been repeated in the marriage. Without prompting, this man got up and wrapped his arms around his wife. She cried and cried. Instinctively, he began to rock her back and forth so tenderly. Her breathing calmed, but her husband kept holding her. After about five minutes, she quietly whispered, “Thank you. THAT can heal my soul.” And I thought to myself, “Wow, the power of touch.” Linda Marks, author of “War Between the Genders,” is doing work in this area from a physics point of view. An MIT graduate, she is studying the electromagnetic field that surrounds the heart. This field, 5000 times stronger than the field that surrounds the brain, Ms. Marks believes is the key to healing trauma that is imprinted at a cellular level in our bodies. Her work, called EKP, electromagnetic kinesthetic psychotherapy, uses touch as a major component for reprogramming the cellular imprinting. Ms. Marks encourages couples to hold each other, rock each other, and to often place a gentle hand on the other’s heart as well as on the abdomen. It is fascinating work that is yielding tremendous results. Basically she is showing that talking alone cannot heal trauma: but touch can. In my book, “The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing,” I talk about the obvious physical needs we all have -- oxygen, food, water, shelter from the elements -- but also about the deep human need for touch. If you ever took Psychology 101, you probably learned of the rhesus monkey experiments by Harry Harlow. These baby monkeys were “fed” by either a wooden monkey covered by soft cloth or a wire mesh monkey. Within a matter of days the babies fed by the wire monkeys became depressed and withdrawn and began to act neurotic. They would curl themselves into a fetal position and rock themselves. Eventually, they became despondent, lost interest in life, stopped feeding – and DIED. It was difficult for them to make it past their first five days. Now we’ve never done that experiment on humans – for obvious reasons – but if it were possible, I believe we’d get the same results. People need (not want), NEED physical contact. They thrive when they get it, and whither when they don’t. You, because you are in this people category, are no exception. You have a need to be touched. Your partner has a need to be touched. Yes, you can get this need somewhat satisfied by animals – by holding them, letting them sit on your feet, petting them, etc., but so much more so with humans. You have a need to be held and hugged and caressed and touched. By an adult. I will go so far as to say: and made love to. Now you won’t die like the monkeys if you are not made love to, but I believe it will restrict your ability to thrive. Therefore, if you are in a relationship where you are not touched, held, hugged, caressed, and made love to, that is not okay. That needs to change. Your physical needs – and your partner’s – are not getting met. So, I encourage you, when you see your partner today, to hold him or her. For a minute. For two. Longer if you can. Remember that your touch has healing power: for your partner as well as for you. Remember, too, that every baby is born with the need to be loved, touched, held – and never outgrows it. My best to you,
Patti |
