Copyright 2006 Patti Henry

I’m a marriage counselor. I have worked with literally thousands of couples over my 19 year career, and yet I am still amazed each time I get a new couple who is seeking a referee or a judge to declare which of them is right and which of them is wrong. Time after time people come in wanting me to fix their partner – not them. And they mean it. They truly have no awareness AT ALL that if their marriage is going to heal, THEY will have to change. Yes, yes, change is fine for their partner – in fact, the sooner the better – but not them!

Unfortunately, of maybe fortunately, it doesn’t work like that. For marriages to heal, both people have to stretch outside of their comfort zones, and change. Evolve. Be awakened to a higher level of loving and giving.

One of the first steps I do with couples is to help each partner get focused on his or her own side of the street. Trust me, most people do not want to do this. It is so much easier to see what he/she needs to change. Not me! Yet, I tell you, this much I know is true: looking inward is imperative for things to get better. That doesn’t mean he or she doesn’t have to change, too – because they do – but leave his or her work alone, and do your own. That’s worth repeating: Do your own work.

One thing that happens with this approach is that you will soon realize that change isn’t easy. Self-honesty is humbling. Trying new behavior is scary. Loving more makes us feel more vulnerable. To demand high-level immediate change from our partners is but one quick and easy sentence. Doing the actual work we are demanding is not. I ask my clients, “Are you doing what you’re asking for?” Mahatma Gandhi said, “We must be the change we wish to see in the world.” So it is in marriages: we must be the change we are asking for.

What does that mean? It means having healthy behavior even when our partner doesn’t. Being non-reactive, having appropriate boundaries, being patient, speaking kindly from love, telling yourself the truth, making things safe for your partner, and getting rid of your anger. So often I hear from clients, “Well, she’s the one who hurt me first!” or “If he wouldn’t do this, I wouldn’t do that!” My response is, “So you would have healthy behavior if he/she did?” to which they wholeheartedly exclaim, “Yes!” What a circle that is. Each waiting for the other to begin. You could wait a lifetime doing that. Or you could learn to have healthy behavior not based on your partner’s behavior. You could be the first to give.

Years ago my husband and I had an argument that, at some point, I realized was going no where. We were only going round and round ending up where we started: no where. He walked out of the room and I decided I wanted to try to talk about it in a different way. I took a deep breath, I calmed my outrage, I got centered – and then he walked back in. Very calmly and lovingly I said to him, “I don’t think how we are talking about this is working. I would like to try to talk about it in a different way. Can we do that?” To which he heatedly replied, “Well, YOU’RE the one who…” and he was off and running.

There was my test. My test from the universe: could I have healthy behavior even though he wasn’t? How easily I could have stepped back into that circle – this time with added ammunition. “Oh, forget it! I tried! You are impossible! You are…!” But, I didn’t. I looked him straight in the eyes and kindly said, “I want to try to talk about it differently. Can you do that with me?” He took a deep breath, he calmed his outrage, and he came and gave me a hug. Not easy.

We must be the change we wish to see in our marriage.

Another litmus test is if your sentences tend to start with “He this…” or “She that…” What about you? What was your part? Try to always start from the “I” position. For example, in “Taming the Tiger Within,” Thich Nhat Hanh says: One of the main causes of our suffering is the seed of anger inside of us. And further: If you get angry easily, it may be because the seed of anger in you has been watered frequently over many years, and unfortunately you have allowed it or even encouraged it to be watered.

What is your part in allowing or even encouraging your seed of anger to be watered? Some examples coming from the “I” position might be:

* I said yes when I really didn’t want to and that’s why I have resentment.
* I didn’t have a boundary and I needed one.
* I don’t have any consequences when someone steps on my boundaries.
* I’m explosive because I’ve never really gotten rid of the anger I carry from my childhood.
* I am acting like a victim, and if I’m really honest with myself, I am not a victim. I had choices that I ignored.

Etcetera.

You always have a part. Look for it. Own it. Apologize for it if you can. Then change it. That means being patient with yourself in the incredibly challenging work of change. My support is with you as you try to be the change you wish to see in your marriage.

With best regards,
Patti