Copyright Patti Henry, 2006

It’s February. Ah, Valentine’s Day. Ah, the month of love. Or at least the month of romance. There’s a difference, you know. One often gets confused with the other.

For the couples I work with, I outline the typical pattern we go through in the western world where we are allowed to choose – rather than have chosen for us – who we marry.

The first stage is identified as the “in love” stage. I call this the “going under general anesthesia” stage. Because we don’t know what we’re doing. Our bodies are literally chemically altered. Our adrenalin and endorphins go up, our serotonin (which keeps us balanced) goes down, our dopamine goes up (this is the chemical released with cocaine usage!). In other words, we are walking around on a sort of “chemical high,” wearing rose-colored glasses, floating joyfully through our days.

There are lots of good things about this. First of all, it feels wonderful. There is no force in the world sweeter than this. Secondly, it is really our sub-conscious at work picking out for us a person who has exactly what we need to heal. And thirdly, it is incredibly bonding with our partner. This is great because we will need this bond in order to do the work that lies ahead.

The problem with this first stage, however, is that people identify this feeling with what “love” is. So when we start coming down off our chemical high – which we all do because our bodies cannot maintain that chemical intensity – and our rose-colored glasses drop to the ground, we often feel duped. Couples report to me, “I just don’t feel like I love him/her anymore.” Or, “He/She’s changed.” When actually, the work it will take to get to love hasn’t even begun.

But stage two of the relationship has: the power struggle.

I liken stage one to having a newborn baby. Babies are so very, very sacred. So perfect, so dear. Those who have had the privilege of having children, try to remember back to your first born and looking into his or her eyes, being amazed by the miracle before you. And then there was that moment – that glorious, glorious moment – when, as you were looking at your baby, and loving him, he smiled at you! Yes, it might have been gas, but you KNOW it wasn’t, and that he smiled at YOU. It was at that moment that you realize, “You own me.” For, it is at that moment that you realize you will do ANYTHING to keep that baby safe and make that baby happy.

And then he turns two. He runs from room to room wrecking havoc. He learns, “No!” He throws temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. And you wonder who stole your angel? Where did he go? That sweet, sweet boy or girl – who now just threw mommy’s car keys into the toilet. You are now at your wits end with this exasperating child!

And that’s what happens in relationships: they turn two. And ironically, we start acting two! We wreck havoc, say “No!” and throw temper tantrums when we don’t get our way. But, because of the intense, thorough bonding in stage one, we don’t kill our children in stage two, and we don’t have to kill our relationship. We just have to realize that this is part of the process of getting to true love.

We have to recognize that stage two, the power struggle, is normal – and necessary. We let down our guards here. We show our “true colors.” We show our warts. We show our anger. We are not our best selves. We are not on good behavior – as in stage one. We are wanting to get rather than give.

And, subconsciously, a miracle is happening, too: we are recreating all of our unresolved issues with our partner. We begin to wound each other in the same ways we were wounded as a child. Now, you might wonder, why is that a miracle? Who would want to do THAT? Well, consciously, none of us would. It’s painful. It feels really, really bad. But, our subconscious so desperately wants us to be whole – and healed – and happy. So, we recreate our unresolved stuff with this person we bonded deeply with, hoping – wishing, praying, wanting, needing – our partner to fix it.

And this is where the love part comes in. The work part. Because loving is work: it takes effort, it takes energy. It is when we ON PURPOSE change our behaviors to heal our partner. This is stage three in a relationship: work. When we work hard here, then, and only then, do we get to stage four in our relationship: deep and abiding love. It isn’t the lusty romance of stage one. It is understanding how to love and how to be loved. It is healing and powerful – and long lasting. It is a wholeness of the soul. It is, in many ways, the Holy Grail we all seek.

So, stage one, falling in love, we don’t need any help with. Stage two, the power struggle, we don’t need any help with. When people come into a session with me and want to do their power struggling there, I stop them. I tell them, “You can do that at home for free. You don’t need me to do that.” For it is only the stage three – the work part – that we need help with.

What would it take to love? In one word: work. But, a specific type of work. It is coming to know what your partner’s unresolved issues are, seeing how you are recreating them, and then CHANGING your behavior to heal those unresolved issues. It is giving rather than trying to get.

So, what would it take to love? In two words: awareness and work. Becoming awake – or aware – of what it is that your partner emotionally needs, and being willing to CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR to provide that. It is hard to change our behavior. It takes conscious effort and energy. It is doing something different ON PURPOSE. It will not just happen by chance. It can only happen with purposeful effort to make your behavior different. If you keep your behavior the same – the same as it has been in stage two – your relationship will stay stuck in stage two.

Let me give a specific example this Valentine’s month. If one of your partner’s unresolved issues (these usually come from childhood) is that he/she was “invisible” in his/her family of origin, never “seen,” told to be quiet and don’t be a bother, told not to have any needs, was ignored a lot, not made to feel special, you can heal that wound by making him/her feel visible, seen, important, special. Do what your partner needed as a child – and didn’t get.

Valentine’s Day is coming up. With a partner who has an “invisibility wound,” you might write them a letter telling them 10 things you “see” about them that you value. You might set up a portrait setting for you and your partner so you can have a picture of the two of you to put on your desk. You might think about what it is that you know about your partner that they enjoy doing and set aside a day this month to do that with them. The idea is to heal that unresolved issue, wound, pain, that your partner carries with him/her. And to stop recreating it.

It’s not going to be healed in a one-time event. It’s going to be healed over time with you consistently working to help your partner feel “seen” and valued. This is the work part: putting effort in – daily – to change your behavior and heal your partner. The by-product? You will, eventually, get to stage four in your relationship: to true, deep-level, abiding love.

I am daily more and more convinced that that is our purpose here on earth: to get to love. And to help others get to love. In fact, I believe that’s what all the great religions are about. But then, that is another essay for another day.

For this day, put energy and effort into changing YOUR behavior to love your partner in a way he/she needs to be healed.

Happy February,
Patti