copyright 2006 Patti Henry

I went back and forth on the title of this article from "Raising Emotionally Available Boys," to "Changing the World," because I think they are, in some ways, the same thing. That is, if we raise emotionally available boys, we will be able to change the world. And quite possibly heal it. Bring about world peace. Develop a human being cooperative.

As it is now, we actively teach our little boys to cut off from their emotional selves at a very young age. Big boys don't cry, don't be a sissy, suck it up, be a man, are all messages that are given over and over and over again to our boys. "Being a man" means "don't have an emotional response; repress it; cut off from it." That's a frightening thing when you think about it. We are actively teaching our boys to not have emotional responses. That means their ability to empathize is being diminished. That means doing atrocious things to other people won't bother them so much.

What good could come out of this? I can think that poor communication and divorces come out of it. Children being raised without two parents comes out of it. Bullying comes out of it. Lack of attachment comes out of it. An ability to cheat the IRS, the company, the employees comes out of it. An ability to trash the world and use up all its resources comes out of it. Violence comes out of it. Maybe even war comes out of it.

Why are we doing this to our children? Why are we telling our little boys that they are to cut off from 1/2 of the natural resources they were born with? That they are allowed to have their intellectual selves, but not their emotional selves? Babies are born with BOTH. If you don't believe me, try spending some time with a two year old. Whether that baby is a boy or girl, it will tell you if it is unhappy. It will tell you if it's scared. It will tell you if it's angry. It will tell you if it's joyful, too. Somewhere between this fully alive age of 2, and 9 or 10, little boys learn -- are taught on purpose -- that they need to shut down their emotional part. I worked with a man whose father died when he was 8, who didn't cry at his father's funeral. He said, "I already knew I wasn't supposed to cry because I was now the man of the house." He went under his bed in the middle of the night and sobbed. By 8, he already had shame about normal feelings of grief. By 10, he had stuffed away his feelings completely.

This is craziness to me. We are doing our children and the world a disservice to do this to our little boys. When I give seminars, I ask my audiences, "What do we do when an entire organization or civilization is operating under a totally incorrect belief?" What do we do? To find the answer we must look to: what have we done in the past? Have we experienced this before – where an entire organization or civilization was operating under a totally incorrect belief? Two glaring instances of this occurred in U.S. history. Do you know what they are?

The first, and most appalling, was slavery. The majority of Americans at one time believed that owning another person was, though perhaps not pleasant, permissible. Chaining him, beating him, taking his family away from him, affording no rights to him, making him work for no wage, selling him like an animal was again, perhaps not pleasant, but permissible. When we look at that today, in 2006 terms, it sounds just plain crazy. And yet it was true. The majority of Americans condoned this behavior. It was only with the power of one voice speaking up, joined by another, joined by another, and then another and another that the consciousness of the whole culture began to be awakened. People spoke out against the cruelty and inhumanity of slavery. People fought for its end.

The second instance when the whole culture was operating out of a totally incorrect belief was in regards to women’s suffrage. The vast majority of Americans, women included, believed that politics were too complex for women, and therefore, saw no need to allow women the vote. The whole system was set up with the premise: women are weak and really not that bright, while men are strong and intelligent. Again, when we look in 2006 terms, where today women own controlling interest in 47% or all businesses in America, the concept is absurd. And yet it was true. The vast majority of Americans believed women had no place at the voting polls. Yet one voice joined with another, and then another, and then another, until there was a roar that shouted, “No more!” People fought for the system to change.

I believe we must do the same for our boys. We must one by one become aware of the damage that we are doing to them, to their future wives and families, to business practices, to the earth, to the world. We must become aware of the craziness of actively teaching our boys to not develop their emotional selves and their empathy. We must become aware of the craziness of actively teaching our boys to shut down appropriate, natural, and healthy emotional responses. We must join one by one together to say, “No more!” We must join together to stop giving those messages to our boys and to teach others – neighbors, friends, relatives, teachers, coaches – to stop giving those messages as well.

Our children, families, world are worth it.

I am living my life mission of ending this phenomena. Please join me.

Nameste,
Patti