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November Thought: Marriage Building Blocks |
Copyright 2006 Patti Henry
I was asked to officiate at a wedding a few weeks back for a very young, very much in love couple. While I was preparing the service I thought to myself, “What can I tell these youngsters about marriage that will help them when the ‘in love’ wears off and the ‘loving’ must begin?”
Because the ‘in love’ does wear off. The ‘in love’ is actually a chemically altered state that we all go through in the Western world where we are allowed to choose our partner. Our adrenalin goes up, our endorphins go up, serotonin, which keeps us balanced, goes down. Dopamine, which is part of what causes a cocaine high, goes up. When we are ‘in love,’ therefore, we are actually on a chemical high. Unfortunately, our bodies cannot sustain this chemical high, and at some point – often after we have tied the knot – we come crashing down.
And then what? Well, that’s when the power struggle begins. I decided to outline for my young couple some important rules that needed to be followed at this juncture – and for the rest of their lives together. As a marriage counselor with almost 20 years of experience in private practice, I have seen a lot of what doesn’t work. These rules have been derived from that.
The first is to be honest – both with yourself and then with your partner. For a marriage to have a chance, both of the couple must be willing to let their “adult selves” be present. Adults are able to tell the truth. Adults are able to do hard things. So, I encourage couples to be honest and always tell the truth – even when it’s hard.
The second rule, which goes hand-in-hand with the first is this: be kind. I encourage people to be honest, but to let their honesty be gentle and kind. “Brutal” honesty is not good in developing a safe, long-lasting relationship. There is no need for brutality; there is a need for kindness. If there was one gift I could give to all of the hundreds and hundreds of couples who have come to me for help it would be the gift of kindness. It is the number one thing I see missing in relationships. Somehow people think because they are so familiar with their partners, that that gives them permission to drop manners. Kindness, gentleness, and politeness are always appropriate – even with those we know well; especially with our partners.
The third rule that must be followed for love to thrive is: forsaking all others. This is part of the very foundation of a fully functioning marriage because it provides the safety necessary for vulnerability. This means no seeing other people, no affairs, no emotional affairs, no best friends with the opposite sex where you talk about the downfalls of your partner, no topless clubs, no prostitutes, no pornography. I have found that most people understand that when they are married, if they want their marriage to be a good one, having an affair with someone else would not be helpful. I have also found that many people do not extend this fidelity to include no emotional affairs and no pornography. I cannot tell you how many tears I have seen shed because of this. Both emotional affairs and pornography take away emotional safety for our partner. Both help our partner fell insecure and “not good enough.” The truth is, fostering insecurity and “less than” in our partner is not a way to get to a good marriage.
Rule four: walk in personal integrity. This means it is important to know yourself and to be true to yourself. This means learning to say no when the answer is no and yes when the answer is yes. This means checking in with yourself to gage how you really feel about something and then being willing to share it. I have found that saying yes to something when the answer is really no, is a sure-fire way to breed anger and resentment: neither of which is helpful in building a good marriage.
Finally, rule five: understand that a healthy, happy marriage must have room for a whole “I”, a whole “you”, and a whole “us”. In other words, there must be room for each partner to grow and change individually as well as room for the relationship to always be considered. I’ve heard it said that marriage is like getting a new roommate every six months, which I think there is some truth to. Life is not stagnant: neither are people. You and your partner both need room to explore, stretch, make mistakes, figure out, and blossom. However, at no time should the “we” be discarded. Do not forget to consider at every decision making intersection, “How will this impact my marriage? Is this good for it?”
My final words to my young, starry-eyed couple: go forth into this world and work hard to always stick together as you ride the roller coaster of this wonderful adventure we call life.
Let it be so: for them, for you. |
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