One of my website subscribers asked me to write about how miserable it is to be married to a partner who puts his mother first. As it is the holiday season, and I believe most men don’t want their wives to feel miserable, it is a good time to touch on this topic.

It is a complicated, usually subconscious process on the adult’s part. Indeed so complicated that whole books have been written about this (my recommendation is Pat Love’s book, “The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent’s Love Rules Your Life”). I will attempt here to explain it simply.

Here is an example of a set up for emotional incest to occur. Because we teach our little boys to cut off from their emotional selves somewhere between the ages of two and ten – big boys don’t cry, suck it up, don’t be a sissy, etc. – their emotional development is arrested. That is, stopped. Therefore, often what happens is little boys grow up to become men who are not in touch with their feelings, and are unable to respond well on an emotional level.

In the meantime, we don’t do this to our little girls. We don’t stop their emotional development. So, little girls get to practice identifying their feelings and expressing them for years and years – and they get good at it.

Now, fast forward 20 years. The emotionally available woman marries the emotionally unavailable man – who has temporarily been able to express his feelings in the “in love” phase of the relationship. However, as the marriage goes on and the “in love” wears off, and a child or two comes along, many times the wife gets frustrated trying to get her emotional needs met by her husband. He, after all, was taught to cut off from that part of himself years ago. A far too common occurrence, then, is that the wife will turn to a child to try to get those needs met. This is emotional incest.

There are, of course, other scenarios that can set up a child for emotional incest. A lonely single parent often turns to a child as a friend. An unhappy parent might use the child as a confidant to complain to about the other parent. In a couple where the partner travels a lot for work, a child may take on the “surrogate spouse” role. When one or both of the parents has an addiction, the child may take on the “little adult” role. An only child is sometimes worshipped by a parent and is lived through vicariously. When a child is being sexually abused, he or she is also, of course, being emotionally incested. All of these lead the child to “de-self” at some level and become what the parent wants or needs them to be.

More often than not, the child is unaware of his “de-selfing.” Being the “little man of the house watching over mommy” or the “chosen child” sets the child up to feel special. Therefore, when describing their childhoods, adults who have been emotionally incested frequently are unable to identify any problems or unresolved issues from their pasts at all. The emotional incest is often seen as “love,” even though there was an incredibly high price to pay for that “love”: the child must disconnect from his authentic self to please the parent. I say “his,” but emotional incest also happens to girls. It is just more prevalent with boys since their mother’s partner has often been set up in the same way – to cut off from his emotional self as a child!

Another problem with emotional incest is that it is so thorough. The child isn’t aware of the problem because it has been there almost since the day he was born. He has no other experience to compare it to. It is just “normal.”

I, as a clinician, start looking for it when the wife complains that her husband’s primary relationship seems to be with his mother and not her. I also look for it when the husband describes his childhood as, “Great. Just perfect, really,” and he is married to a woman who has lots of blatant issues in her childhood. The reality is, we attract people at about the same level of healthiness as ourselves. That is, one partner cannot come from a very pathological family and the other from one that is, “Great. Just perfect, really.” That’s a red flag for emotional incest.

So what to do about it? Awareness, of course, is the first step necessary for change. If you as the wife can see it, I know you’ve probably tried to get your husband to see it. If this hasn’t worked, you will need some outside help. Look for a marriage counselor who is very familiar with and experienced working with the effects of emotional incest. Give your husband this article. Give him a copy of my book, “The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing.” Read Pat Love’s book. Knowledge is the best hope for an awakening.

And how do you know you’re making progress? This paragraph is particularly written to men. Mainly you will know you are making progress when your primary relationship is with your partner, and she knows it deep in her soul. Your wife must feel primary, that is, number one. It doesn’t matter if you feel you are treating your partner as primary – your partner must feel this. Your behavior must be consistent enough for her to register it. Your behavior, words, and attitude must convey, “You are more important to me than my mother.” Mothers are important, precious, and need to be honored, of course, but there is wisdom in the Biblical instruction to “leave and cleave.” Leave your family of origin and cleave to your wife and new family. Think of your wife and her happiness first as you make choices this holiday season. You may be surprised at what gifts you get in return.

I send you clarity and strength: for breaking an emotionally incestuous bond is not easy. In fact, it is very, very difficult. But, as with breaking the incredibly strong bonds of addiction, people do it everyday. You can, too.

May this holiday season bring you love and peace.