She and her husband both have full-time, high power jobs, plus two children who have their own activities to attend to as well. Both children are under 16 and so need to be driven to those activities. And then there’s homework, buying groceries, making dinners, cleaning the house, mountains of laundry, showing up to support the children in their activities, pets to be cared for, teeth to be cleaned, bedtime stories to be read, trying to get to the gym, car repairs, house repairs, church, lawn, gifts to be bought, emails to be returned, parenting, partnering – and the sense of no time to get it all done.
This family, like many American families is running as fast as they can: after the American Dream – but living the American Nightmare. Many feel their partners are to blame and "aren’t helping enough," when the problem isn’t about effort at all. We so often look to our partners to right the ship and feel angry, hurt, and abandoned when they are unable to. And yet they are unable to. Why? Because the problem is we expect ourselves – and our partners -- to accomplish more in a 24-hour period than is humanly possible. How did this happen to America and how do we get out of it?
I say America because I think it is an American problem. Twenty years ago I was struck by a letter to the editor of a woman’s magazine. The letter was written by a group of Thai women saying how much they enjoyed the articles on relationships, parenting, cooking, starting businesses, etc. They were puzzled, however, by the articles on stress management. They said, "We really can’t relate to them. That is not how we live here in Thailand." That stopped me dead in my tracks. I thought, "Really? There’s another way to live?"
Yes, there is: not crazy busy. But know this: it is counter-cultural. If you choose to get out of the crazy busy, you will be choosing something different from most of your neighbors, co-workers, family, and friends.
Until fairly recently, the dad worked outside of the home and the mom worked inside of the home. That is, the mom worked fulltime at doing all the things needed to keep a home and family in balance. She put 40-50 hours a week into her home and family that now so often is given to a paying job outside of the home. The family has lost all of those balancing hours.
Yet, what’s the solution? For women to quit their careers, stay home, and pick up all the falling pieces? For men to? What about the need for two incomes to support the family? What about the esteem and enjoyment factors that come with working outside of the home? The mental stimulation?
My point is, I don’t think the answer is going backwards trying to recapture what we had before. In fact, with women currently owning 47% of all businesses in America, we couldn’t go back to that even if we wanted it. Kahill Gibran in "The Prophet" says, "For life goes not backwards nor tarries with yesterday." No, we must find a way to improve things even as we, and life, move forward.
Let me offer a simple 6 Step Procedure.
The first step is deciding, "I want to take my life back." In this is the realization that the overwhelmed/overworked/crazy busy is not good for me, my marriage, or my children.
The next step is releasing your partner of the responsibility of righting the ship by himself/herself. You must decide to work as a team to be counter-cultural. It will take both of you to even stand a chance of getting out of the whirlwind.
I think the ideal is one 50-60 hour work week where the wife works 25-30 hours per week outside of the home as does the husband. Can you and your partner work towards cutting back your working hours outside of the home in any way? Can one or both of you cut back to part time? Of course, sometimes this is not possible, but it is worth taking a good, serious hard look to see if there is ANY way to move in this direction. My husband and I have inched towards this goal in the last several years and it is amazing how any movement in this direction is helpful.
Step Three in this process is admitting defeat. Coming to terms with, "We can’t get it all done." With this comes, "It is not your fault we can’t get it all done – and it’s not my fault either. No humans can get it all done with the time restraints we have."
Step Four, then, is giving yourself permission to use outside sources to help you. It takes a village to raise a child, but it also takes a village to support a family where the parents both work outside the home – and even more so with a single parent family.
You must develop your village. This means saying yes when someone offers to help. In America the "strong, independent" is heralded. "I can – and should – do it myself," is what we have been taught. Counter-culturally, we must embrace, "This is not true. It’s okay to ask for and to receive help – as much as we need!"
Here are just a few examples of outside sources that can help you.
1. Take your laundry to the laundry mat and let the owners wash it. Sometimes spending $25 on laundry will lighten the pressure on you tremendously and it’s worth every dime. Of course you don’t have to do this every week – just when the laundry feels like it’s swallowing you whole.
2. Hire a "momma’s helper." Find an 8-11 year old in your neighborhood who is willing to come and play with your small children while you cook dinner. Our momma’s helper cost us $1 per day – and reduced our stress levels exponentially.
3. Develop car pools: who can car pool with you?
4. Churches often offer "Parents Night Out" services where babysitting is free or for a nominal fee. Take advantage of them for recharge time.
5. Hire a personal assistant. Advertise in your neighborhood newspaper for a retired person. Often retired people have too much time on their hands and would love to make your life easier. Some even refuse payment. Start looking and you will find someone.
6. Say yes when someone offers to help you. Every time. Practice saying, "Oh, thank you. That would be lovely." People want to help. People will help you if you let them.
Step Five is learning to set boundaries. For most people, this means learning to say no. That means, stop volunteering. If your plate is already full, stop trying to cram more onto it. There will be a time for you to volunteer later in life. For now, the goal is to get you out of the survival mode: out of the American Nightmare. Practice saying, "Gee, I wish I could, but I’m already overbooked. Thanks for asking, though."
I get asked for pieces of my time daily: most of the time I say no. Said another way: if you want to get out of the crazy busy, you must get comfortable with saying no most of the time. Yes, it’s counter-cultural, but do you want to take back your life?
This doesn’t just mean no to requests for your time, however. It also means no to overindulged, out of control, over the top birthday parties, Christmases, graduations, etc. No to letting your kids off without doing chores. No to picking up responsibilities that aren’t yours. No to running your children’s lives and making decisions they are capable of making on their own. No to, "I can – and should – do it all."
The last step is to give yourself permission to lighten up on yourself. Growing up my mother said to me, "When all else fails, lower your standard." There is some wisdom in that. For example, when my kitchen counters are covered with clutter and I find out a friend’s in town and wants to stop by, I lower my cleaning standard. I take the big plastic tub I keep under my bed, scoop all the clutter into it, and voila! Clean house!
You can also establish clutter-free zones in your home. For example, downstairs has to stay clean while upstairs can be a mess. Or, nothing goes on the dining room table. Anything that will cut back on your feeling overwhelmed, counts.
In conclusion, I support you in doing this. Every person, every family, who consciously decides to step out of the crazy busy, overworked, overwhelmed, run as fast as you can American Nightmare, helps make the world a little more sane.
