copyright 2007 Patti Henry

Love Is All We Need

The first time I attended a Unitarian Universalist Church service, the sermon was about the Beatles and all the hymns were Beatles' tunes. Coming from a Baptist background, this was quite a surprise. It turns out the minister had agreed to preach on "The Topic of Your Choice," as an item in the church's annual service auction. "The Beatles" was the sermon topic chosen. Thankfully, for what a brilliant sermon it was!

The minister spoke of the pre-Beatles era, the 1950's. This decade brought the introduction of television and the "Leave It to Beaver" perfect family. Many tried to portray this as their own family, working hard to make everything look just right on the outside. At the same time, they were working equally hard to cover up the feelings of emptiness they were so often feeling on the inside.

He spoke of McCarthyism and the hunt for communists -- as well as conformists. And of the quiet desperation of too many Willie Lomans in "The Death of a Salesman." He spoke of women adjusting to being out of the work force again, and trying to make the garden clubs be enough. Of the veneer -- and the unrest.

The minister said the country was ripe: for the Jesus movement, and, The Beatles. The two were not that different from each other, really. Both carried a very similar message: All we need is love. Love, love, love. Love is all we need.

Was it really that simple then, and now, 40-some years later, is it still?

I would contend that it was and it is. First, to direct love toward yourself, and second, to direct love to those around you is surely the key to happiness and joy.

Well, if it's so simple -- which I think it is -- why is it so hard to do? Unfortunately, simple and easy are not the same thing. Simple: Love is all we need. This will heal our souls and our world. Why then don't we, as Nike says, just do it?

If I had to summarize the answer into one word, that word would be fear. Tony Robbins, who has done extensive research into what makes people do what they do, says we have two opposing forces operating in us at any moment. These are the need to seek pleasure and the need to avoid pain. So, if we are not just love, love, loving, it's because the neurotransmitters in our brain have somewhere along the line linked love and pain. That's where fear comes in: we are afraid if we love, we will feel pain.

So, instead, we have learned to build walls of protection around our hearts. This is an attempt to keep us "safe." Unfortunately, "safe" is not the same as happy or joyful. The only way to get to that is through love. Love, love, love. Love is all we need.

So, a conundrum. How do we let ourselves love if we are busy building walls around our hearts because our neurotransmitters have linked love and pain together? Somehow we have to reprogram our neurotransmitters and re-link love with pleasure.

For most of us, this has to be an "inside job." That is, the pleasure of loving cannot be contingent on another person's response. In other words, the pleasure of loving must become, in and of itself, enough. The acts of being kind, thoughtful, compassionate, and validating need to bring us pleasure regardless of how they are received.

Of course, it's easier to love if our acts are received warmly and reciprocated. Loving begets loving begets loving. However, in the beginning, our loving behaviors, in a way, have nothing to do with the other person. We are merely reprogramming our neurotransmitters to re-link love with pleasure. Children do this naturally. They give spontaneous hugs and pretty pictures they've drawn just out of sheer joy. Their giving isn't to get. Their giving is for the pleasure of giving.

Sometimes when I have a client I'm working with who is very stuck in feeling unhappy or miserable, I give them this assignment: go home and try loving your partner. Speak kindly, smile, see them. See their weariness, see their struggles. Comfort them. Give them grace. Do loving behaviors. Agree with them. Be validating. Do something creative to take care of them. Be gentle. Show compassion. Don't worry that they will be abrasive, rude, or unkind. The most wounded need the most love. In other words, practice loving until loving starts to be part of who you are again. Enjoy the acts of loving and your doing them separate from any response or feedback you get.

Then expand it. Try it on your children. Then your co-workers. Even practice on strangers. The goal is to re-link loving with pleasure so that you can return to the loving person you truly are. As Dr. Karl Menninger said, "Love cures people -- both the ones who give it and the ones who receive it."

Love, love, love. Love is all we need.