Don’t Accuse Me of Lying Even If I Am!

Copyright Patti Henry, 2007

It’s a funny thing. We want our partner to trust us, even when we are not being trust-worthy. In my practice, I’ve seen partners get FURIOUS at their spouses for "accusing them" of destructive behaviors they are actually doing.

"How DARE you accuse me of having an affair!" and yet he is having an affair.

"Stop saying I’m lying! I’m NOT lying! Why do you have such a problem with trust?" while she is in fact lying.

"I want you to stop accusing me of hiding money. I’m not doing that. I would never do that!" when, in actuality, he has $50,000 stashed away in a secret account.

The list of offenses goes on and on – doing porn, over-shopping, going to topless bars, hiding bank statements, hiding bills, hiding clothes, saying something’s done when it’s not, not coming home directly, not earning enough money to pay the bills but using credit cards, embezzling, drinking, drugging, buying lottery tickets, sleeping with the next door neighbor, getting fired – you name it. It’s all been said – and denied vehemently. Even though it’s true.

I had a client who lost his job, but rather than tell his wife, he got up for "work" each morning at the usual time, showered, ate breakfast, and went off for the day. The wife found out only after she called him at the office one day and was told, "He no longer works here." When the wife confronted her partner with the facts, he became very defensive and angry, "That’s crazy! Why would you believe her over me?"

Funny. This man is furious at his wife for not trusting him. He doesn’t even seem to understand that his behavior has caused the mistrust. How is this possible?

There are two explanations: Denying and Lying.

Denying. Our brains have an amazing capacity to deny what we don’t want to be true. This is lying’s kissing cousin, of course, because denial allows us to lie to ourselves. We don’t want something to be true, so our brain makes it "not true." It’s a bit like childhood magical thinking. A five year old will emphatically explain to you how Santa can come to her house even though she doesn’t have a chimney because, "He just makes one!" This is magical thinking. We usually outgrow it around age 8 when our brain develops and is able to take in concrete thinking.

We don’t, however, ever outgrow our capacity to deny. It’s a coping mechanism that helps us cope with fears or traumas that are too big for us to face.

When I was a child my father was an alcoholic but I never knew it. I remember his driving on the wrong side of the road and sometimes weaving all the way home. I remember his driving the company truck off the bridge and it flipping over into the rushing water below. I remember his driving his car into somebody’s house and almost hitting a child who sat watching TV. I remember drunken screaming matches between him and my step-mother. Yet still, when a friend of mine asked me at age 19 if my father was an alcoholic, I just laughed and laughed. My response, "No! What would make you say that?!"

Now, I was a bright child. Denial didn’t care. Taking in the "truth" of my father’s behavior would have rocked my emotional safety too deeply. My brain kicked in – in a way to protect me – with denial. So it happens, too, with adults. If there’s enough shame, trauma, embarrassment, or fear, and at the same time not enough ego strength to deal with the truth, denial will kick in.

One problem with denial, however, is that it is really only OUR coping mechanism. That is, those around us are aware of our denial system and can see right past it. We are, therefore, not effectively fooling anybody but ourselves!

Think of the alcoholic who says, "I don’t have a problem." Now, she may have just been fired from her job, her husband left her, and her car is being repossessed, but, because of denial, she "doesn’t have a problem." She is essentially blind to reality.

This can be maddening to a partner, of course. They are able to see clearly their spouse’s denial system – and the spouse is not. It has been my experience, however, that the partner in denial cannot "hear" their spouse pointing this out. They are deaf to anything coming from the spouse’s mouth. Outside help is essential.

One solution is therapy. Therapy helps chip, chip, chip away at a person’s denial system while, at the same time, helping him or her gain the ego strength needed to face painful truths. Therapy provides an emotionally safe space where a person can let go of the denial coping mechanism and be supported throughout the process.

12 Step Programs also provide this safety. Finding the right "messenger" to deliver the message is critical.

And what about lying? Lying, of course, is not too far away from denying. That is, one lies thinking they will not get caught (a denial system). Unlike denial, however, lying is usually a conscious thought pattern: an active decision to not tell the truth usually to avoid at least perceived unpleasant consequences. The person is aware that what he or she is saying isn’t true, or at least not the whole truth, and hopes that you are not so aware. Somewhat like a child, they are hoping to "get away with something." And sometimes they do – for the moment.

But, long term the price is quite high to pay. Healthy relationships – beautiful, vibrant, joyful, long-term relationships – are built on trust. Period. With lying, trust cannot be built. So, as long as you are lying in your relationship, you’ll never get to the good stuff. Never.

One problem with lying, too, is that your partner knows you are lying. The soul knows. The gut knows. The body knows. In David Hawkins remarkable book, "Power vs. Force," he speaks of an experiment he has duplicated thousands and thousands of times where a person’s arm cannot remain extended to the side while pressure is applied if the person is being lied to. The arm falls limp. This is true even when a person is watching a movie of another person lying. The body knows. Your partner knows. He or she might not even be aware that they know, but at some level they know, and this builds a distrust inside of them toward you.

So what to do if there is lying in the relationship? If you are being lied to, don’t go into denial about it. If you are doing the lying, it’s time to start working on building a strong self so that lying is no longer necessary. Lying is a symptom of a weak ego. The stronger the self becomes, the quicker the lying disappears.

It’s important, too, to practice telling the truth – all of it. Remember, any attempt to leave a person with not quite an accurate picture is lying. I remember when a client said exasperated in a session, "The problem with lying sometimes is that even when I tell you the truth, you don’t believe me!" Right. That’s how it works.

If you want to be believed, if you want to not be accused, if you want to be trusted, be trust-worthy. Live transparently. Tell the truth – all of it.