First, (A), an action happens. This can be ANY action: a hurricane hits, the house is broken into, the check you’ve been waiting for arrives, someone borrows your new Mercedes and totals it, your child burns his hand, you fall in love, your mother dies, you get diagnosed with lung cancer, your partner leaves you, you get promoted, you don’t get promoted, your luggage gets lost, you get lost, your child pulls the fire alarm right before fifth period to get out of the science test, you go to Europe, you miss your plane, you win the lottery, you lose the ticket, someone cuts you off, you cut someone else off… You name it – it doesn’t matter what it is – it fits into the (A) category: an action happens.
That’s actually what life is: one action happening after the next. The actions can be predictable – things you’re expecting – or unpredictable – things that are surprises, both the good kind and the disastrous kind. As the bumper stickers say: Shit Happens/Good Happens. Both are true. Actions happen to us and by us all day long, all life long.
Next comes (B): we have a belief about the action. We have a belief about every action that happens. That is, we have an opinion about every action that happens. We have a life experience about every action that happens. EVERY one. No exceptions. From all the things we have been taught and exposed to, plus all our former experiences, we assign a belief (B) to the action (A). This is automatic for most people. That is, it is done without a conscious thought process. The action happens and we immediately jump to our belief about it. You get a bad hair cut (A), and if you believe that haircuts matter (B), you might immediately jump to: This is awful! How embarrassing! I look ridiculous!
Then (C) happens: the consequence of our belief system. If you get a bad haircut (A) and believe bad haircuts matter, are awful, are embarrassing, and make you look ridiculous (B), then you will probably get to feel bad, self-conscious, upset, and wear a hat (C).
Ellis’ work says this:
We have no control over (A).
What we believe (B) about (A) determines our (C).
And, the most important part, we have control over (B).
That is, if we can slow the process down and make a conscious choice at point (B), we can impact our consequence/outcome (C).
If, in the above example, you chose to believe something different about bad haircuts, you could have a better consequence/outcome. If you chose to believe, say, that bad haircuts come into our lives every once in a while to keep us humble, to remind us how puffed up we sometimes get, to help us laugh at ourselves, that they don’t really matter anyway because in a week or two they’ll grow out, and, for the most part, people are so self-absorbed anyway that no one is even likely to notice or care, then you could have a more pleasant consequence/outcome (C). You could be relaxed, amused, and have a good day.
The problem is, for most people, (B) happens very quickly, automatically, without a thought process. Our beliefs show up at lighting fast speed, clear and strong, and appear to be "Truth," and the only possible belief about what just happened (A).
But the reality is, you can take any action that happens (A) and rewrite your belief about it. Remember, your belief (B) determines your consequence/outcome (C). Why not write your belief in such a way that you get a positive outcome? I figure, if you are going to make something up – and beliefs are made up – why not make something up in your favor?
I have practiced Rational Emotive Therapy for many years now, and so it has become my automatic response to any action that happens (A). I ALWAYS rewrite (B) in my favor. That is, I always rewrite (B) in such a way as to bring me peace and happiness at (C). Why not? Life is short, so you might as well choose happiness.
Let me give you an example that I hear often in my office: road rage. First, an action happens: someone is driving aggressively and cuts you off. In fact, he almost clips your car in his attempt to get ahead of you (A). What are possible beliefs about what just happened? This is the critical question that must always be asked at point (B). Here’s where we make up stuff.
1. the guy is a jerk, idiot, explicative, etc.
2. the guy is taking you to be a schmuck, pansy, etc.
3. the guy thinks he owns the road and is showing you who’s boss
4. you have little power in this world
5. you need to show him and fight for your turf
6. this guy is trying to push you around
7. he thinks he’s more important than you are
All of these beliefs come into your thought pattern in a nana second. This makes them seem "right" or "true" or accurate. You might not even think there are other beliefs you could have about the situation.
But there are.
These are two I make up (because beliefs are just made up) consistently.
1. His wife is having a baby. She’s at the hospital already and he’s got to get there. Because, quite frankly, that’s how my husband drove when our children were born. Single-focused, get out of my way, crazy, aggressive, way over the speed limit (unaware there even was a speed limit), my wife’s having a baby driving. He doesn’t usually drive like that, but on the days our boys were born, he did. So when I see someone driving crazy, aggressive, I say to myself, "Oh! They’re having a baby! How exciting! Please come in front of me!"
2. This bloke has no power in the world. He has a job that doesn’t pay well, a boss that’s a jerk, and someone absolutely monitoring if he is two minutes late for work. He’s been late before and cannot be late again or he’ll get fired. I further believe I am not in that position. I’m grateful that I don’t have to live such a desperate life. How lucky I am! I gladly let him go before me – thankful I don’t have to live that way, hoping he gets to work on time.
Now, all of the above are just beliefs (B) about the action of getting cut off (A). The consequence (C) of my beliefs? I get to feel happy. I get to have low blood pressure. I get to feel helpful. I get to feel lucky. I get to feel grateful. I get to have a nice day.
Are they having a baby? I don’t know. I don’t care. What I care about is if I get to live my life in a happy, peaceful way. My belief that they are having a baby helps me do that. And the reality is, I don’t really know what’s going on in that guy’s head or life. I can pretend like I do – but I don’t. I can project what’s going on inside of me onto him – it may or may not be accurate. The point is, I have to make up something about his behavior. I choose to make it up in my favor.
You can do this about ANY action that happens. It just takes practice to rewrite the belief you hold about (A) to give you a better (C). And I do mean ANY (A). In Victor Frankl’s brilliant book, "Man’s Search for Meaning," he talks about his concentration camp experiences. Those who survived the camps held various beliefs about (A), the atrocities that surrounded them. Here are some of the beliefs Frankl decided on that helped determine his outcome (C).
1. There is a purpose to this suffering and it has value.
2. I will lecture around the world about this someday.
3. No one can take away one’s power of choice: I can choose my attitude.
4. My body may be vulnerable but my soul is not.
5. Man must have meaning in his life.
These beliefs (B) that Frankl chose helped him survive the imprisonment (A) and leave there, not embittered, but inspired(C).
If he could rewrite his beliefs about something so truly horrific, you can rewrite yours about whatever the action is that is happening in your life.
Try it. Slow things down and think of some out of the box beliefs you hadn’t considered. Choose one that will give you the consequence/outcome (C) of getting to be happy. You are worth it.
