As a marriage counselor of 20 years, I am acutely aware of the fact that most marriages that come in to see me are run by the wife. That is, the wife has the power in the relationship and the husband is scrambling. And I am just one therapist. There are thousands and thousands just like me who are seeing these marriages, too. Why is this?
I think the answer is two-fold. First, we’ve empowered women. That is the #1 cultural shift that has happened in America in the past 50 years. Women can support themselves financially without a partner. That is huge. What women want out of marriage now is beyond financial. That used to be enough – it is not anymore. Now women are seeking "connection" and to get their emotional needs met.
However, the second part of this answer, we are still teaching little boys they cannot develop their emotional selves. This, to me, is nothing short of child abuse, but that’s another article. For purposes here, let’s just look at the massive damage this creates. Somewhere between the ages of 2 and 10 (at the very latest 12), little boys are taught not to cry. They are taught to "suck it up" and to shut down their emotional development. Their emotional growth, therefore, gets stuck, or stopped, at say, age 8.
We don’t do this to our little girls. Their emotional development is allowed and encouraged. Now, fast forward 30 years. We have a female who is 38 emotionally married to a male who is still 8. She no longer needs him to survive financially and starts making demands on him emotionally. She is longing for emotional depth and connection. But he’s 8.
This infuriates the wife. She begins to emotionally beat him up with her anger and frustration. In the meantime, the poor man doesn’t have his emotional tools developed (including empathy). He has no effective way to deal with her. He starts to "de-self" in order to "keep the peace." Unfortunately, this only fuels the fire. The hurricane strengthens. That is, the wife gets more powerful in the relationship as the husband loses power. The power structure gets more and more out of balance.
And in steps porn – or some kind of secret, underground life. In this "secret place," the husband feels powerful. He’s getting away with something his wife wouldn’t like (remember, he’s 8). He has a space that is just his. He has a space where his wife doesn’t have any control over him. And why porn (or topless clubs, prostitutes, or affairs)? It’s a space where he can feel powerful as a male. With his wife he feels emasculated and powerless. With porn, he reconnects to his testosterone and can feel like a man.
I am, in other words, not surprised when a man tells me he is living with a dominant, strong, controlling, very bright, angry wife, that he is doing porn. It’s predictable.
How to fix it? Again, the answer is two-fold. First, the husband must build up his ego strength and develop a strong self of his own. He does this by reconnecting to his emotional self he left behind at age 8, developing that self, and learning how to have boundaries. I go into this in more detail in my book, "The Emotionally Unavailable Man: A Blueprint for Healing," in the chapter called, Facing the Storm. He is half of the equation.
Second, the wife has work to do, too. She is the other half of the equation. She must learn how to hold onto her power and strength, and, at the same time, create a very safe space for her husband to be able to go beyond his emotional arrest from childhood.
I have found that women do not want to hear this. They have tried for years to get their needs met while their husband has remained a child. They want some change on HIS part and they want it NOW.
Understandably. Yet still, this much I know is true: the wife can speed up or slow down their husband’s growth. Learning to create safety will speed it up; hurricaning will slow it down.
It is only when the husband is able to grow beyond his childhood emotional arrest that the porn will stop. It is only then that he can have his true, authentic power and be able to be truly an equal in the marriage. When this happens, there is no further need for "pseudo power" or "pretend power" or running away to a "secret life." The husband has a strong sense of self, and can stand, and live, fully as a man. And then, beautifully, the woman can get her emotional needs met.
Wives, I encourage you to take the fast track – creating the emotional safety. Life is short. You and your husband both deserve to get to the richness of marriage as quickly as possible.
