October Thought: A Marriage That’s One in A Million
Copyright 2007 Patti Henry
This is Part 1 of a 2-Part series: A Marriage That’s One in A Million.
I had the good fortune of being exposed to T. Harv Eker’s CD series, "Secrets of a Millionaire’s Mind." If you struggle with money issues at all, I highly recommend these to you as they are the best I have ever come across. I believe they can turn your financial situation around dramatically.
More importantly, though, from my point of view as a psychotherapist, these CDs are so much more than they appear. They are about relationship. On the surface they are CDs about your relationship with money, but I think the concepts also can be used to dramatically improve your relationship with your partner. I want to share with you my translation of Mr. Eker’s work and how these ideas can help you create a marriage that’s one in a million.
Eker’s basic premise is this: growing up we each receive a "money blueprint." No baby is born with one – it’s acquired after birth. To determine your money blueprint, take a few minutes to write down (it is important to write this down) what you heard about money when you were growing up, what you saw role-modeled about money, and what life experiences you had with money. All of these things combined equal your "money blueprint." Some people call it the "computer programming" you got. Some people call it your "family of origin messages" you got. It doesn’t matter. They are just different words for the same thing.
Now, Eker believes, and I do, too, that the unexamined money blueprint that we were given as a child will determine our adult relationship with money. That is, how comfortable we are with it, how much of it we will allow ourselves to have, our spending habits, etc. He also believes that if we examine our blueprint, we can rewrite it for wealth. Otherwise we are destined to live out the blueprint we received.
This explains the research that shows most huge lottery winners return to their original financial state (before their winnings) within 10 years. No matter how many millions they had won. That is, if a lottery winner has a financial blueprint that says, "Rich people are greedy," or "Don’t take more than your share – just have enough money to make ends meet," or "Money is the root of all evil," they will soon return to their pre-winnings state by overspending, investing poorly, and mismanaging their winnings.
Let me give you an example. I had a client once who was awarded $800,000 in a lawsuit settlement. By the time she came to therapy, it was 5 years later and she had spent it all, returning to the financial struggle that her money blueprint said she "deserved." That’s how powerful blueprints are!
So, if you can believe this about money blueprints, can you then perhaps see how each of us also received a "marriage blueprint"? Again, write down yours: what did you hear about marriage when you were growing up? What did you see role-modeled? What were your direct experiences concerning marriage? All of these things combined equal your "marriage blueprint."
Now, take a step back. How good is your blueprint? Is it designed to create an amazing marriage? Think about your parents’ marriage when you were a child and ask yourself this question, "Is it the relationship I want for myself?" If you are shouting, "No way!" then you really need to look at your marriage blueprint. Otherwise, chances are very good – 100% perhaps -- that you will recreate the level of intimate connection that your blueprint is designed to create.
Another concept Mr. Eker outlines in his CDs is this: millionaires think differently than middle class and poor people. This is true in amazingly successful marriages as well. Eker outlines "wealth files," or ways that millionaires think differently from middle class and poor people, and I will outline "health files," ways that partners in a loving marriage think differently than those in mediocre or poor marriages. I will start with 3 health files this month.
Health File #1 would have to be: people in amazingly happy marriages do not put their marriage at stake during arguments. Those with mediocre or poor marriages do. This is a crucial difference in thinking. Every couple has arguments. However, HOW the couple argues determines a lot. People whose marriages are the healthiest – those who report that they are genuinely happy in their marriage – think of their union as sacred, holy, untouchable, not to be treated lightly, but to be guarded and protected. They may get very angry or frustrated with their partner, or extremely upset with a behavior, but they are able to separate the behavior from the person. As in parenting where we are able to love the child and hate the behavior, a healthy partnership does the same. Never do we get rid of the person even when we most definitely need to get rid of a behavior. This creates a deep-level emotional safety which builds a rock-solid foundation for the marriage to stand on. Those in mediocre or poor marriages often yank this safety away by regularly threatening to leave or divorce when there is an argument or a behavior that is intolerable.
Health File #2: People in amazingly happy marriages have learned how to listen rather than tell. Those in less satisfying marriages spend a lot of time telling the partner what they "should" be doing and what they are doing wrong. In the 12-Step meetings, people are taught not to "should" on themselves or "should" on others. In the healthiest marriages, the partners practice this. There’s an old saying that goes: some people listen while others are just waiting to talk. In healthier marriages, people have learned to listen. They have created an atmosphere that says, "I want to hear what you have to say. I want to understand it. I am interested." There’s active or reflective listening where a partner "reflects back" what they have heard to make sure they got an accurate message. In less fulfilling marriages, the emphasis is on, "I want you to listen to me." Yes, we all need to be heard, but in amazingly happy marriages, there is enough maturity to be able to wait. Two year olds cannot wait: they need it NOW. Once we let our adult ego be in charge, we can wait. In healthier marriages, the adult ego is in charge. In less healthy marriages, the child ego is running the show.
Health File #3: People in amazingly happy marriages make things happen rather than wait/hope for things to happen. Plus, they take action sooner rather than later. As in so many, many areas of life: proactive trumps reactive every time. In Stephen Covey’s book, "7 Habits of Highly Effective People," the first habit outlined is: be proactive. Covey goes so far as to say, if you don’t get this habit, you won’t get the rest. I believe this is true in life but especially true in relationships. In healthier marriages, if a partner is unhappy with a certain aspect of the relationship, he/she takes action. This may mean saying the problem out loud, coming up with a plan to change things, and then implementing the plan. In mediocre or poor marriages, if a partner is unhappy about a certain aspect of the relationship, he or she waits for the other to take action – and gets angry/resentful if they don’t! In higher functioning relationships, each person claims the problem as their own and is willing to take responsibility to do their part to make things work better for both partners. In the poorest functioning relationships, neither person claims the problem as their own and sits back waiting for the other to claim it. The problem with this approach is that something relatively small can grow into something relatively big in that waiting period! Believing "I am responsible" vs. "You are responsible" is a huge difference in thinking. One will bring you more happiness in your marriage; the other, less.
To be continued in November…
