Copyright 2007 Patti Henry

A Marriage That’s One in A Million, Part II

To read Part I of this series, please go to October’s Thought.

Last month I outlined three "health files" for a loving marriage. This month I’ll outline three more. "Health files" describe ways that partners in happy, successful marriages think differently that those in mediocre or poor marriages.

Health File #4: In happy, amazing marriages couples are able to let the little stuff slide. That is, there is room for the partner’s humanness. Because we are human we are not perfect. Our partners are not perfect. We mess up; they mess up. In mediocre and poor relationships, there is resistance to this reality rather than acceptance of it. The partner is criticized, nagged at, constantly reminded of how he or she doesn’t measure up: to perfect. The problem is: if our partner only gets our love and approval when they reach "perfect," guess what? They never get it.

In more successful marriages each partner has integrated the concept of "don’t sweat the small stuff." I am reminded of a story I read years ago of a woman who had been happily married for 50 years. When asked what her secret was she said, "Well, when we got married, I decided I’d forgive him 10 things. Then, whenever he messed up, I just figured it was one of the 10." That was her way of letting the little stuff slide.

Another way of having grace for our partner’s humanness is to have an "intervention thought" when they mess up. In my own marriage, when my partner does or says something that’s in the "less than perfect" category, I immediately say to myself, "He didn’t mean that. He’s a good man and doesn’t realize how that came out." It slows me down a beat, giving me a chance to think before I speak, a split second to offer grace instead of criticism. Those in happier marriages take that split second and choose grace.

Health File #5: Those who create marriages that are one in a million understand the concept of "both." Those in struggling marriages so often think in terms of "either/or." I can have a successful career or a happy marriage. Those who have great marriages think – and won’t settle for anything less than – both. I can have a successful career and a happy marriage. I have time and ability to create both.

In mediocre or struggling marriages: I can have a marriage or a self. In above the crowd marriages: I can have both. I don’t have to give up me to be loved by you. Neither do you have to give up you to be loved by me. We both are able to hold onto who we are individually and connect. The healthiest marriages are rather like sending a fax: you fax the document and keep the original.

In less happy marriages: we can have kids or our freedom. In more happy ones: we can have both. We can enjoy all the joys of family and enjoy all the joys of couple. The couple remains primary in that we can still go on dates and travel without the children, and we can do fun things and travel with the children. In other words, there is room for both, and I can figure out how to integrate the two.

Health File #6: Those with great marriages operate on the forest level. Those with mediocre and poor marriages tend to get stuck in the trees. As a psychotherapist I have literally worked with hundreds and hundreds of couples over the last 20 years. I can usually tell in the first session how quickly –- or slowly -- a couple will be able to work and push through their "stuck." There are those who want to discuss – really, over-discuss – every detail, every incident, every word, and those who are able to see all the details as insignificant. Those who are able to disregard the details and see the problem at a much larger level are able to resolve things quicker. Remember this maxim: over-analyzing leads to paralyzing. Understanding this (or not) is a major difference in thinking that separates great marriages from not so great ones.

Let me give you an example. When I work with a couple where, let’s say, the wife is developing a drinking problem (or gambling, or working too much, or spending too much time with a co-worker, or any other behavior that is tipping the relationship off-balance). It is unimportant how many drinks she had at lunch today or yesterday or last Friday. It is only important that there is a pattern that is alarming and needs attention. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard this or a similar argument in my office:

"You had 4 margaritas at happy hour!"

"I did not! I had 3 and I didn’t even drink all of the last one."

"You had 4!"

And I’m thinking, "Who cares?" because whether it’s 3 or 4 or 2 or 5 doesn’t matter. What matters is it’s 3 or 4 drinks, five to six happy hours a week over a period of time, with a DUI and 2 wrecks in the last few months. There is a drinking problem that needs to be addressed. Period. The rest are just details: trees.

More health files to come at a later date!

In the meantime, be kinder than you think your partner deserves you to be. He/she is trying to figure out how life works, too, and is doing, with the tools he/she has, the best they can at this point in time.