Copyright 2008 Patti Henry

The great poet Mary Oliver writes: tell me about your despair and I will tell you mine.

Because we have despair, we sometimes think, "There’s something wrong with me." We forget it is part of the human condition. When we are in despair we often feel separate and different from everyone else. We feel alone in this most human experience. We tend to forget that this is just one chapter of the adventure called life and that better chapters will follow. We tend to forget that we are not different from others: every single human being, with no exceptions, has had at least one chapter of despair in their lives.

Perhaps this is your time to be in that chapter. If so, I hold you gently in my heart, and remind you: there is nothing wrong with you. You are a beautiful and amazing human being, and sometimes life is just hard.

While at church this week, in honor of Memorial Day, the minister asked those of us who knew someone personally who was away at war in Iraq or Afghanistan, or had been killed in either of those wars, to please stand. Almost everyone stood, many with despair in their eyes and in their hearts.

In my practice right now, I have two clients who are suicidal, one who was recently raped, two who have loved ones who were murdered, several who are struggling with their spouses’ infidelity, many who feel lost, one whose parent just died, several who are going through a divorce or separation, others who were recently laid off and are in financial crisis, some who are struggling with addiction, and one who had a child killed by a drunk driver. Lots of chapters of despair.

Yet, after 21 years of being in private practice, I have come to the conclusion that there is no experience in life that isn’t in the process of flowing, moving. That is, if you are in a despair chapter right now, with the passage of time, your despair will transform and, believe it or not, laughter will return, the joy of living will return, and you will have grown. Just when you think the rain will never end, it does. Always.

So, the Big Lie is this: things will never get better. It has a subset, too: I am defective because I am in this despair – while everyone else is doing great.

Of part one of the lie, all I can tell you is this: if you query ANYONE about their darkest hour, you will find that their despair eventually passed and that the sunshine really did return. They will have grown somehow from it as well. Don’t be afraid to ask ANYONE, for all have experienced it. You are not some kind of Martian having a unique experience. You are an Earthling having a very universal human experience. That is, you are not alone, and our chapters of despair don’t last a lifetime. You will get on the other side of this, I promise. Talk to others – it helps.

Of the subset of the Big Lie, that somehow you are defective and everyone else has it all together, I have two thoughts. First, you are right: not everyone is living their chapter of despair at the same time. Personally, I think that’s a good thing. If we were all in despair at once, yikes! Thank goodness there is an order to the universe where we take turns being in despair (and also take turns being in the chapter of encouraging others). When it’s your turn for the despair chapter, it’s no fun, admittedly, but all it really is, is your turn. It’s rather like going through the awkwardness of puberty – no fun, but we all take our turns going through it. It doesn’t make you defective – it makes you normal.

My second thought is that not everyone else is doing great. Despair often doesn’t even show. We have no outward sign that says, "I’m REALLY struggling right now!" We don’t wear a black arm band or a white glove on our left hand or a red shirt that reads: Person in Despair. In fact, when we are feeling despair, we try not to let it show! Therefore, we can’t tell who is struggling at a deep level on the bus, in the church pew, at the office, or even in our neighborhood. But there are people in all those places who are taking their turns living their chapter of despair. So, just because they look great – as you do – doesn’t mean they are doing great.

In conclusion let me encourage you to be more honest with yourself. Tell yourself the truth: this too shall pass, and, there is nothing wrong with you. You are wonderful no matter what, and, life is challenging sometimes. The most important part of that equation is: you are wonderful no matter what. You are an amazing child of the universe. Beautiful, radiant, talented, warm, dear. NOTHING can take that away.